Today, I welcome fellow Indie Chick Lizzy Ford. What follows is her inspiring and provoking tale from Indie Chicks: 25 Independent Women, 25 Personal Stories. All proceeds from this book go to the Susan G. Komen Foundation and the fight against breast cancer. It's available for your Kindle and your Nook.
The
Phoenix and the Darkness
by Lizzy Ford
I've
been running from The Darkness since I left home at the age of 17. I escaped a broken family to the military,
found it unwelcoming to creative non-conformists but fulfilled my
commitment. The first man I dated was a
drunkard who suffered from post traumatic stress disorder; the second raped
me. The rest of my time in the military
was a blur of men, the different places I lived and The Darkness stalking me. At the end of my tour, I set my world on fire
to keep the Darkness away, abandoned everything and everyone, and emerged from
the flames like the mythical Phoenix. I ran
home to Ohio. I didn’t stay long and
continued onward to New York, where I reinvented myself for a very brief period
of contentedness.
It didn’t
last. Darkness, fire, rebirth, and a few
years, men and states later, I ended up in the arms of yet another unworthy
man. I followed him to DC, bore the
mental abuse, and tried to tell myself this was the best life would ever
get.
I took
a job in a field I didn't care for and ended up running from job-to-job-to-job,
unable to find a place where I was happy.
I was hit by a drunk driver at 26, leaving me with a long lifetime of
constant pain. I had a miscarriage, gave
all my money to the unworthy man and couldn't pay my bills despite the good job. I moved from Virginia to Maryland and back to
Virginia, unable to shake the pursuing Darkness. Finally, I put all my belongings in storage,
ready to set my word afire and flee once again.
I
worked up the nerve to ditch the dysfunctional man, but before I could run far,
I met the man who would become my first husband. He wanted normal things: stability, house, family. I convinced myself if I had these things, the
Darkness would be gone. He needed a
mother, not a wife, but I married him anyway and prayed it was enough.
It
wasn't. I set my world afire once more,
and I fled him, too. I put everything I
valued in my truck, grabbed the dog, and left.
Away from DC, the east coast, everything I owned, my first husband. I ran to Texas to a new job and divorced the
first husband. Yet again, I was
reborn. Soon after, I met my soul
mate. Some part of me knew I couldn’t
keep running if I wanted to keep him. I turned
around to see if The Darkness still chased me. After fifteen years of running, The Darkness
was closer than ever.
I told
the man who would become my second husband to stay away from me – I was
dangerous. He saw The Darkness, and he
saw me.
You’re brilliant and beautiful. I love you, Darkness and all, he said. But if
you don’t deal with it and accept the fate for which you were put on this
earth, you’ll be consumed by it.
I
couldn’t yet face the Darkness even with his support, but I could see how wrong
my path was. My path wasn't a career I
loathed, and it wasn't ignoring my true gift: writing. So I worked full time and wrote full
time. I found true joy for the first
time in my life, but The Darkness got too close. I ran away from that job - the only job I'd
ever remotely enjoyed. This time, I kept
my only ally in life - my guardian angel and partner.
I took
a new job in a new state. With my
husband and my writing, I saw The Darkness recede, and I grew happy. Instead of looking over my shoulder, I
started looking into the future. I vowed
to run towards something instead of away from something. I wasn’t just reborn – I was alive for the first time in my life.
And
then, this past summer, I tripped. The
Darkness swallowed me. As in one of my
upcoming novels, The Darkness turned me inside out. I couldn't go to work and could barely leave
the house. It pinned me beneath it, and
the more I tried to run, the heavier it got.
Everything I'd run from in life was there: my near-poverty upbringing;
the breaking apart of my family when I was a kid; my struggle with my weight
and social anxiety issues; with finding acceptance at any job; with men and
dysfunctional relationships; the pending financial disaster I'd been building;
fear of failure and ending up as miserable as my parents. I thought I'd suffocate, until the Darkness
spoke to me.
You can run again and risk losing the
man you love, or you can face me and be happy, it said.
I want to be happy, I replied.
Then do what you must.
It's not that easy. I'm scared.
Sometimes life only gives us difficult
choices, but you still must choose. I am
a part of you. You must accept me and deal with me before you can move on, it said.
I
thought hard as I looked at all the things I'd accumulated that were
bankrupting me financially and emotionally.
I looked at what made me happy in life: my husband and my writing. I saw how I'd hurt my most precious treasures
- and myself - by setting my world on fire whenever The Darkness got too close.
This is gonna hurt, I told The Darkness.
Not for long, it said. You
only have to do this once.
In
that moment, I made my choice. I would
face The Darkness within me, no matter how hard it was. I loved my husband too much to hurt him more,
and I was sick of being a coward. I took
a leave of absence in early September to deal with my past as well as the depression
and anxiety that have haunted me my whole life.
Writing has always been my solace and my passion. Through it, I'll heal the
world I broke and my own soul, and become the partner my husband deserves.
The
Phoenix will be reborn once more, not of fire, but of Darkness, and will emerge
stronger than ever.
~ ~ ~
Lizzy Ford is the author of the War of Gods series.
Damian’s Oracle (currently free on Amazon)
Lizzy's contact information:
Website: http://www.guerrillawordfare.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LizzyFordBooks
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/LizzyFord2010
Google+: https://plus.google.com/b/106728579413949863215/pages/getstarted#106728579413949863215/posts
11 comments:
I love Lizzie's inspirational story. I'm delighted to be part of this group of Indie Chicks. ;-)
A truly inspiring story, Lizzy! I'm so proud to be part of this anthology. :)
Thank you for featuring me, Donna! I hope others are able to find strength in darkness as we Indie Chicks have!
Lizzy Ford
Lizzy is so brave. I know her story will inspire others to rise from The Darkness. Thanks for sharing, Lizzy!
Wow. Every time I read this, I am moved. Thank you for sharing it, Lizzy.
Great post - and an inspiring story for everyone about when the biggest obstacle is yourself. Happens to all of us. Fight on!
This is a great post. Thanks for sharing, Donna. ;-)
Lizzy has not only managed to share an incredible story, but she has managed to capture the reader's heart while doing so. Thank you Lizzy!
Another inspiring Indie Chick story. I love this group.
You all are awesome! All the Indie Chicks had incredible stories to tell; I'm honored to have been a part of this.
Lizzy :-)
I just love being part of such an inspirational group of women. Thanks for sharing, Lizzy!
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