Paper, Pen, and
Chocolate
by Talia Jager
“Mom!” a voice yelled from the other room. “Make her stop!”
“I didn’t do anything!” another voice yelled before I could
even get up to see what was going on.
I sighed and struggled to get off the couch where I had just
started writing a scene. Four months pregnant with our sixth child and the
varicose veins were already causing problems for me. I wondered where my
husband was hiding that he couldn’t handle this.
Fortunately, the yelling quieted down. Instead of checking
on them, I made an Executive Decision. I snuck into my closet, grabbed some
Hershey’s chocolate from my stash, and slipped into the bathroom where I ate it
with the lights turned off. Nobody would find me there.
Flicking on my flashlight, I took out the notepad and pen I
had stashed in the magazine rack and wrote down some thoughts on the scene I had
been writing.
The quiet lasted 3.5 minutes. Then my time in the bathroom
was up. I crept back out to the living room where I settled a new argument,
secretly wishing I could go back to the bathroom.
Now, you may ask…Married with how many kids? And you write
books? WHY? HOW? Let me tell you.
From the time I was a little girl, I have had two dreams.
One: To have a large family. Two: To be an author. There was a time not long
ago when it seemed neither would come true.
Maybe it was being an only child that allowed my imagination
to run wild and my mind to create stories; it definitely made me wish for a big
family of my own. It’s lonely to grow up without a sibling.
In school, writing was my passion. I wrote constantly. I’d
slip my story under a notebook in class and when I was supposed to be taking
notes, I’d really be writing my story. At night when I was supposed to be
asleep, I’d hide under the covers in bed with a flashlight, pen, and paper.
Time went on, and although I had many stories written, I was
too chicken to do anything with them. So, they sat. When I fell in love and
started a family, writing got pushed to the side. Sure, I still loved it, but I
never had time. Deep down, I was mad at myself for not at least trying to do
something with them. But, at the time, I felt I couldn’t. Family came first.
My dream of having a large family wasn’t as easy as I
thought it would be, but it had begun to come true. We had two beautiful little
girls and wanted more. Unfortunately, I suffered through many miscarriages over
the years. After having a number of tests done, I was diagnosed with a blood
disorder so complicated that I have no idea what it actually is except that it
can cause miscarriages. Getting pregnant had never been an issue; staying
pregnant was. When I didn’t get and stay pregnant for over a year, the
depression got worse.
Losing a baby is a devastating thing to go through; losing
six is downright depressing. There’s no amount of crying, begging, negotiating,
or praying that brings them back. Believe me, I tried it all. It didn’t matter
how many people told me it wasn’t my fault–I blamed myself anyway. Finding out
that it was due to a blood disorder made my guilt that much worse. It was my
fault. My body’s fault anyway. Then I started asking myself: Why do some of my
babies live and others don’t? What did I do different? I had children before I
started medication for the disorder, and I’ve had miscarriages since getting on
the medication. None of it makes sense and it’s still something I struggle to
understand. I was in such a deep depression; it was like my creative button had
been turned off. I had no desire to write.
When we finally “gave up” and decided that we’d be a family
of six, we found out I was pregnant again with our fifth daughter.
This pregnancy was much harder on my body than the others. I
found myself on the couch most of the day with my legs up. It was around this
time that some online friends found out that I loved to write and encouraged me
to share my stories. I did so nervously and they loved them! I reached deep
down and found the courage to start submitting queries to agents. Each time my
hopes were smashed to pieces.
My husband started talking about eBooks and self-publishing.
I wasn’t too sure about going that route. I wanted to see my books in print, so
I could hold them in front of my face. I wanted to smell my book. But, as time
went on, eReaders became more popular and I figured…why not?
So, here I am, with five children, trying to find the time
to write, while juggling mom-duty, wife-duty, household chores, errands, and
more. During the earlier part of this year, you could find me up until the wee
hours of the morning writing. You see, that is the only time it’s quiet enough
to get anything done. Three a.m. is
the time when all little girls are sleeping, the husband is snoring away, and
my mind is clear. I can throw myself into a character’s psyche and let my
imagination flow. Everything was going perfectly. I was getting a lot of
writing done and then we got a surprise. Baby #6 was on the way.
As happy as we were, this put a serious damper on staying up
until three a.m. I just couldn’t do
it. My one-year-old is at the age where she needs to be followed around and
supervised constantly. If I don’t, I find my computer monitor has become a
coloring book.
My four-year-old is in between the “play with me” stage and
the “playing alone” stage. The older three are in school, which provides a
break for me, but since my four year old adores her older sisters, it makes it
hard. She’s constantly whining for them to come home.
It’s hard enough juggling the four younger ones, but throw
in a hormonal teenager and chaos ensues. Dealing with her has made me positive
that my mother cursed me for acting out as a teenager. Not a week goes by that
I don’t find myself in tears over something she does or says. Like the time
recently when I told her I was pregnant again, she made nasty comments accusing
me of ruining her life. Or the time I had to punish her for kicking her sister,
and she informed us that she could run away and be adopted by her friend’s
parents.
I’m sure you find yourself wanting to ask how I get a minute
to myself. Or how do I deal with no time alone? Or what if I get an idea during
the day?
Remember that stash of chocolate in the closet? I simply get
some, slip into the bathroom, and take a few minutes. Sometimes I just think.
Sometimes I jot down a few ideas on that hidden notepad.
As crazy and chaotic my life is, I wouldn’t change a thing.
And it sure gives me plenty of things to write about.
So, when life hands you lemons…toss them out, grab your
stash of chocolate, your writing materials, and head for the bathroom. You may
just end up writing a book.
This is one story
from Indie Chicks: 25 Women 25 Personal Stories available on Amazon
and Barnes
& Noble. To read all of the stories, buy your copy today.
Also included are
sneak peeks into 25 novels!
My young adult drama,
Damaged: Natalie’s Story,
is one of the novels
featured.
Find
out more about Talia and her books:
3 comments:
Talia, I really love your story. How wonderful to achieve both dreams of having a large family and being an author. All my best wishes for you and your family, especially your newest addition! Katherine Owen
Thanks for the post, Donna!
Talia, I have no idea how you have time to write! Congratulations on accomplishing so much.
Very interesting story, Good luck.
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